This just in: Shitty teams are in the NCAA tourney!!!
Am I the only person who thought that Oakland University was in Oakland, California? Apparently it’s in Michigan (Google confirmed this). Which works out great for them because the average life expectancy in Oakland, CA is 24.6.
How about Northern Colorado? Who are they and how did they get here?
Hampton fucking University!!?? FACT: Hampton University has no actual physical campus. It’s just an online chat room that was deserted by its users back in 2003 but still maintains its NCAA status.
Like The Sounds? Then you’ll like this…
You almost hit me with your Prius…
Me - Black Nissan Frontier traveling north on the 805 at 5:30 a.m.
You - Prius driver, crossing over 5 lanes of traffic to cut me off.
I was hoping we could catch up for coffee so I could get your views on the environment, and rip your f*cking face off.
"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on."
I propose we celebrate Van Halentines day today.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
Thank you Daniel Tosh. Thank you for keeping me sane. Without you I never would have incorporated Q-tip fetish into my lifestyle. I appreciate all that you do.
Pro Athlete Confusion
Is it seriously possible that in an era of Favre (pronounced: Far-Ve) dick-pics, Roethlisberger assault cases, and LT rape scandals, that a pro male athlete would find texting a 17 year old female (other than his relative) a good idea? Well it has happened. Way to go Mark Sanchez! You get the prize for Dumbest Athlete of the Year! I know it sounds nuts but you cannot go to clubs, meet under age girls, hear them tell you that they are under age, exchange phone numbers anyway, and then booty call them later that night. And the best part is she did what every 17 year old girl would do…POSTED IT ON FACEBOOK. Classic! Note to pro athletes: As soon as you sign your contract lock yourself in your house and only come out for practices and game day.
There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents.
To My Idiot Co-Worker…
I have often wondered if my close proximity to you for the past four months has somehow managed to soften my brain tissue and catapult me into early stages of dementia. When you ask me for help, after you have failed miserably for hours, I attempt to muster a smile and tend to your idiotic needs. It is beginning to destroy me. You are actually starting to drive me insane. When I hear you suck in another breath in order to dispel another idiotic comment, my only hope is that some divine force will take over your body and expel something that gives me hope for you. Alas, you fail. Epic fail.